La Belle Dame Sans Merci
by Salome
Summary: An intentionally goopy satire of Mary Sue fics. Currently: Chapter 2, in which Calandria becomes ever more perfect, Riley becomes ever more annoying, and some guy dies. Coming soon: Chapter 3, rife with scandal and Scooby tragedy!
1. The Most Specialest Girl Ever

Title: La Belle Dame Sans Merci  
  
Author: Salome  
  
Rating: R (extreme sexual innuendo, language, drug use)  
  
Genre: Humor/parody  
  
Setting: Between seasons 4 and 5, immediately post-'Restless'  
  
Summary: A mysterious young girl and a terrifying new threat arrive in Sunnydale one rainy night. Wackiness ensues. Yeah, it's a satire of Mary Sue fics.  
  
Feedback: Welcome and encouraged, and I'm not going to specify 'no flames!' or 'no negative feedback!' I hate when people do that.  
  
Distribution: 'Ask me, I won't say no, how could I?' (That's a Smiths quote, yo.)  
  
Disclaimer: The Buffyverse and everything in it belong to Joss Whedon, who shouldn't even bother suing me because I've got no money. Also, lawsuits are bad karma.  
  
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It was a dark and stormy night. Rain pounded down in vertical sheets, thunder crashed, and every so often, a bolt of lightning illuminated the sky so brightly that Giles, watching the storm through his living room window, would've sworn it was high noon.  
  
*Extraordinary*, Giles thought, regarding the tempest with awe and a strange feeling of contentment. He was in a wonderful mood: with the defeat of Adam, things had finally settled down a little, and he was enjoying his first quiet evening at home in a long while. He wandered to the stereo to turn over the record he was listening to—Pink Floyd's *Animals*—and, glancing around a bit nervously, retrieved a small box from its hiding place on his bookshelf behind the really dry-looking tomes. Glancing over to make sure the front door was locked, he retired to the couch, cracked the box open, and scooped its contents up in one hand.  
  
_______________________________________________________________  
  
'Spike, you're a pig.'  
  
Spike nearly jumped out of his skin. 'Bloody hell, Slayer! You could knock before you enter a guy's crypt, you know. Common courtesy and that.' He fumbled with the buttons on his remote control, trying to turn off the video of *Vampy Tramps III* that was playing on his small TV, and managing only to pause it on a very lurid image.  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. 'Courtesy. Right. Shut up, Spike.' Slamming the door behind her, she stomped over to where the vampire sat.  
  
Spike gazed up at her impatiently from his easy chair.  
  
'I need information,' Buffy continued. 'There's something new in town. Something bad. *Really* bad.' A shadowy expression passed over her face, and Spike realized that the Slayer was scared. More scared than he'd ever seen her. 'What can you tell me about it?'  
  
Spike smirked. 'Well, I don't know, Slayer. What can you pay me?'  
  
Buffy lunged forward, pinning Spike by the throat to the back of his chair. 'I don't have time for this, Spike. This is serious. Tell me what you know, and then maybe, if I'm satisfied, I'll pay you.'  
  
Maybe it was what she said, maybe it was how she said it—but most likely, it was the look in Buffy's eyes that made Spike realize this was no time to play around. She looked terrified, and angry—but underneath all that, there was an expression of something unnamable, as though she had looked on the ultimate evil and lived to tell the tale. As though she had been shaken to the core, and on a fundamental level, broken. Anything that could do that to the Slayer had to profoundly bad news. Worse news than Spike wanted to hear.  
  
'Okay, okay,' the vampire gasped. 'I don't know anything, Slayer. I was just having a bit of a laugh. I—I—Bugger! Let go!'  
  
Buffy released him and backed up several paces. 'This is serious!' she all but screamed. 'I don't have time for your little reindeer games right now!'  
  
Rubbing his throat, which now bore a swollen red hand mark, Spike said, 'I got that. Something's got you good and scared, hasn't it? There's a brand new big bad, am I right?'  
  
Buffy looked down. 'It's just—I saw what it had done. It was horrible. Only a vicious beast could do something like that.' Spike suddenly became conscious that the Slayer was actually trembling.  
  
'You utter ponce!' he crowed gleefully. 'You prancing lightweight! Oooh, not so tough now, are you? Now you're faced with something a little scarier than RoboPoofter.'  
  
'This coming from RoboPoofter's right-hand man,' Buffy observed dryly.  
  
'So what is this wicked nasty that's got you all aflutter?' Spike grinned wickedly.  
  
'I don't know,' Buffy said quietly. 'I didn't find the monster. I just found...' Her voice trailed off, and it suddenly became clear to Spike that she was choking back tears. 'I just found the bodies. I went to the campus computer lab with Willow and at first I thought it was empty, and then I saw them. Two of them, just… lying there. They were dead, and covered all over in vomit, and.... Oh, God, Spike, if you could've seen the looks on their faces! That kind of fear and disgust… I've never seen anything like it.' Buffy's lip curled in anger, and her eyes became hard. 'Whatever did that… Whatever sick, evil, reprehensible creature did that, I'm going to find it. And I'm going to kill it.'  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!  
  
Giles glanced blearily towards his front door. Someone coming calling at this hour… ridiculous…  
  
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!  
  
The second, louder round of knocking jolted Giles into action. Looking back and forth frantically, he threw the small item in his hand into an empty glass, then picked it up and threw it into the Mayan cursing urn resting on his coffee table, then realized what he'd done and quickly grabbed the item and placed it back in the small engraved box he had taken it out of. 'Coming!' he called to whoever was pounding on his door. 'Just one se—"  
  
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!  
  
'Yes, yes!' Giles shouted, racing for the door as he mumbled to himself: 'Really, no consideration… so demanding… no respect… as if I didn't need a little me time every now and then… such inconceivable rudeness, I don't—' Just then, Giles threw the door open, and his jaw dropped.  
  
Standing on the front stoop was a girl he had never seen before. She appeared to be in her late teens, but there was something about her that seemed mature for her age. She had a beautiful face with eyes the most curious shade of… was it purple? Her hair was a fiery red, and hung down past her shoulders. She wore a diaphanous white dress, soaked through from the rain and giving ample evidence that she had a lovely figure. She looked cold, and afraid, and lost—Giles just wanted to scoop her up and save her from whatever had driven her to this state.  
  
'H-hello,' he stammered. 'Er, can I—help you?'  
  
The girl gazed up at him, her violet eyes filled with tears. 'I hope so,' she said softly. Her voice was like music from a cherub's harp.  
  
It suddenly occurred to Giles that, while he stood there in shock, the poor girl was getting soaked. 'Come in, come in, please,' he said awkwardly, stepping out of the way.  
  
The girl stepped past him, into the warm apartment. 'Thank you,' she said.  
  
'Gladly,' Giles whispered, almost to himself. Seeing the girl survey his flat nervously, he cleared his throat. 'Can I get you something dry to wear? You'll catch your death in that soaking wet, flimsy, clinging dress.'  
  
'Please.' The girl smiled up at him—a sad, beautiful smile. 'Mr. Giles.'  
  
Giles blushed. 'Er… please. Call me Rupert.'  
  
'Yes… Rupert.'  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
'If I may ask,' Giles called out moments later, 'what is your name? And why have you sought my aid?'  
  
From the other side of the bathroom door, the girl replied, 'I'm Calandria.'  
  
'Calandria? Have you a surname?'  
  
The door swung open, and the girl emerged, wearing Giles' bathrobe. For some reason he couldn't quite account for, he caught his breath.  
  
'I'll tell you that… later,' Calandria said quickly. 'For now, I need your help.'  
  
'Of course. Anything.'  
  
Calandria bit her lip. 'There's someone after me. Something. I don't know what it is—I just know it's not human. I know it's probably inappropriate to lay my problems at your feet, but—I know that Buffy Summers is the Slayer. I know that you're her watcher. And I didn't know where else to turn. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry—'  
  
Giles shook his head. 'Don't apologize. Don't ever apologize. You could never do anything wrong.'  
  
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[Coming in Chapter 2: Mary Sue—er, I mean, Calandria—meets the Scoobies. Will everyone love her as much as Giles does? Of bloody course they will—that's what Mary Sues are all about! Plus, sex and graphic gooey gore!] 


	2. Everybody Loves Calandria

[Author's note: Apologies to both the Riley fans out there—I hope the way I've portrayed him in this chapter doesn't offend you. I just really freakin' hate his needy, sexist ass.]  
  
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The next morning dawned drizzly and cold. At breakfast with Riley, Buffy picked at her waffles and gazed forlornly out the cafeteria window, scowling at the low black clouds. She couldn't get the horrible images from the night before out of her head—the twisted and ravaged bodies, their faces frozen in rictuses of ultimate terror—and whatever had done that was out there right now, running riot, looking for somebody new to kill, maybe killing them now…  
  
'Buffy, are you listening to me?'  
  
With a start, Buffy turned away from the window and looked across the table at Riley. 'Totally. Listening. Listening intently.'  
  
Riley nodded slowly. 'Uh-huh. What was I saying?'  
  
'You were talking about the… the thing… that happened,' Buffy bullshitted. Riley raised his eyebrows at her, and she sighed. 'I'm sorry. I don't mean to be Bad Inattentive Girlfriend. I'm just a bit preoccupied with, y'know, the pile of corpses I stumbled across last night.'  
  
Riley exhaled noisily and trained his eyes on his bowl of shredded wheat. 'Fine. It'd just be nice if you paid a little attention to me every now and then.'  
  
Buffy groaned. 'Riley, I think I pay plenty of attention to you. Just yesterday I spent the whole afternoon with you, and you *know* I love you. It's just, sometimes I need five or ten minutes for non-Riley stuff.'  
  
Riley's lip trembled. 'You say you love me. But I just don't feel it.'  
  
'Hey, lovebirds!'  
  
Willow bounded up to the table, a huge smile on her face and Tara trotting behind her. Buffy was so glad for an interruption, she didn't even mind the hideous inappropriateness of Willow's greeting.  
  
'Hey, Will,' she replied. 'Hi, Tara.'  
  
'You guys heading to Giles' soon?' Willow asked. 'We're just about to go, and if you wanted to go with us…'  
  
Buffy nodded. 'We're just grabbing a little breakfast first.'  
  
Across the table, Riley pushed his cereal bowl away. 'I'm not feeling very hungry,' he sulked.  
  
'Oookay,' Buffy said. 'I guess we're going now.' She stood up, grabbing her bag. 'I kind of want to get there a little early anyway. I want to tell Giles about the thing last night before he tells us… whatever it is he's going to tell us about.'  
  
Willow's brow furrowed. 'Yeah, that thing last night. Did Spike give you any info on that?'  
  
Buffy shook her head. 'Nope. My visit to Spike last night scored me a big zip. He hasn't heard anything about this new bad.'  
  
Riley, still in his seat, pouted. 'New bad this, new bad that… this new bad is all you talk about anymore. What about *me*, huh? Have you forgotten about *me*? How's that supposed to make *me* feel?'  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
'Ahem.'  
  
Giles stood at the center of his living room, surveying the group congregated before him: Xander sitting on the floor paging idly through a book on demonology, Anya curled up at his side; Buffy and Riley perched on the couch, the two witches squeezed side-by-side into the armchair. He wasn't sure how they'd react to Calandria. He just hoped they'd see what he had seen: a remarkable and brave young woman who desperately needed their help.  
  
'We—we must rally all our strength,' he began. 'We are facing something we have never faced before. I fear it shall be our deadliest foe yet.'  
  
Buffy nodded somberly. The creature that had done that to the people in the computer lab—it scared her more than anything had ever scared her before. Nervously, she picked up a small engraved box sitting on Giles' coffee table and began to fiddle with it.  
  
'We don't know what exactly it is,' Giles continued, leaning forward and snatching the box from Buffy's hands with an expression of irritation. 'But we know what it is capable of. The devastation it has caused… the ruin it has brought upon the most innocent—' The watcher winced. 'It simply is not to be borne.'  
  
'Right,' Buffy cut in. 'Now, whatever this thing is, it's not a vampire. The victims in the lab last night didn't have any marks on their necks. They didn't have any marks on them, period… it looked like they'd just fallen over dead. Except… the vomit, the looks on their faces…'  
  
'It was so creepy,' Willow agreed, her voice weak. Tara, her face tense with concern, laid a hand on her girlfriend's shoulder.  
  
Giles peeled off his glasses and gazed at Buffy in consternation. 'What *are* you talking about?'  
  
'The attacks. At school,' Buffy replied, speaking slowly. 'The ones I just told you about five minutes ago?'  
  
'Ah, yes.' Giles blinked. 'The… incident… in the computer laboratory. Unfortunately, that is the least of our problems right now.'  
  
Buffy raised her eyebrows. 'You mean problems come worse than that?'  
  
'I'm afraid so, yes.' Giles rubbed his eyes tiredly before replacing his glasses. 'You see… last night… I had a visitor. A young woman.'  
  
Xander hooted. 'Way to go, Giles! Who is this nocturnal hottie?'  
  
Giles blushed. 'Really, Xander—'  
  
'You should not feel embarrassment,' Anya interjected helpfully. 'Many people enjoy booty calls. Xander and I—'  
  
'Yes, I'm sure,' Giles cut her off. 'That will be quite enough. I assure you, relations between Calandria and I remained entirely chaste.' But his cheeks blazed a brighter shade of red. It was true that nothing had happened with the girl, but that didn't mean he hadn't wanted it to.  
  
'Calandria,' Buffy repeated. 'Who is she? Why did she come to you?'  
  
'She's in trouble, Buffy,' Giles said, the deep worry he felt reflected in his tone. 'Something is after her. She doesn't know what, exactly—but something supernatural, something evil—this is the evil of which I spoke. It has been stalking her all her life—it has all but destroyed her. When she arrived here last night she had not a single possession, not a cent to her name—not even a change of clothes. Nothing but the drenched, filmy, almost translucent dress on her back.'  
  
'Where is she now?' Buffy asked. 'Is she somewhere safe?'  
  
'Indeed she is.' Giles stepped back into the hall and cracked the bedroom door slightly. 'Calandria, you may come out now.'  
  
The door slowly swung open, and Calandria emerged. She was wearing her dress from the previous night, now freshly washed, and her flame-colored hair had dried into a cascade of curls. She smiled shyly at the assembled Scoobies. 'Hello,' she whispered.  
  
'Well, hello, little lady,' Riley said, grinning up at her.  
  
'Yeah,' Willow blurted. 'Hi. Calandria. Hi. How are you doing? Oh. Right. Bad. Of course you're doing bad. You're being chased by a demon. Stupid question. Stupid me. I'm going to shut up now.' She squirmed uncomfortably.  
  
Next to her, Tara peeked through a curtain of blonde hair. 'N-n-n-nice to meet you,' she stammered. Xander just stared at Calandria, an utterly goofy smile plastered across his face.  
  
Buffy looked around at her friends, amused. It seemed she and Anya were the only people in the room who weren't wildly in love with Calandria. *Which seems a bit stupid,* she thought. *Okay, so the girl's unbelievably gorgeous. We still don't know anything about her. She's a total mystery!*  
  
Suddenly, the sound of wood splintering tore Buffy from her musings. With a gasp, she turned towards the door, only to see two large, fierce demons barging into the apartment, snarling and swinging huge, nasty-looking battle axes.  
  
In a split second, Buffy had vaulted over the back of the couch. 'Thanks for dropping by,' she said coldly, 'but this really isn't a good time for us. I'm sure you'll understand.' With that, she delivered a flying kick into the stomach of the demon on the left.  
  
With a roar of pain and rage, the demon swung its axe at her. Deftly, she ducked out of range of the blade, sliding one leg out to her side and hitting the second demon's ankle, knocking it off balance. It crashed to the ground, hitting its head on the wall and lying very still.  
  
Buffy jumped back to her feet, smirking. 'One down, one to g—'  
  
With deadly speed, the demon still standing thrust out one arm, knocking Buffy clear across the room. The Slayer hit the floor with a sickening thud, and the demon, its face contorted into an expression of unholy glee, advanced on the terrified Scoobies.  
  
'We're going to die!' Anya cried, sounding more than a bit hysterical. 'These demons are very strong and there's no way we can defeat them!'  
  
'Thanks for the encouragement,' Xander muttered through clenched teeth, his face turning a peculiar shade of green.  
  
Giles stared at the demon as though in a trance. 'Oh dear God,' he said shakily. 'Run, Calandria! Save yourself!'  
  
But suddenly, to everybody's shock, the beautiful redhead lunged towards the creature, her delicate hands curled into fists.  
  
'Calandria, no!' Giles exclaimed.  
  
Riley jumped forward as if to grab her. 'It's suicide, Calandria! You're just a girl!'  
  
One of Calandria's fists connected with the beast's face, knocking him several feet backwards. Xander's jaw dropped. 'Well, I'll be damned,' he said softly. 'She hits as good as she looks!'  
  
The next few minutes were a blur of swinging limbs as Calandria beat the demon with a ferocity that belied her helpless appearance. When she finally stopped, the creature was nothing more than a lifeless lump on the floor.  
  
Dusting her hands off, she stepped back from the fallen demon and turned to face the stunned Scooby Gang.  
  
'But how…?' Giles murmured, shock and admiration mingling on his face.  
  
'Way to put marzipan in his pie plate!' Riley exclaimed.  
  
Calandria grinned. 'Black belt,' she said nonchalantly, with a teasing grin at Riley. 'Not bad for just a girl, huh?'  
  
Riley gave her a sheepish smile. She was beautiful, tough, *and* sassy! What a woman!  
  
'That was a-amazing,' Tara said, smiling warmly at the girl.  
  
Giles had approached the demon, and was studying it intently. Abruptly, he bent down and grabbed its hand. 'That symbol… I know I've seen it before…'  
  
Riley leaned over to get a look at the strange characters burned into the demon's flesh. 'It could be anything… any one of the demon languages.'  
  
Across the room, Buffy moaned and sat up. 'What happened?' she asked groggily.  
  
'Calandria killed the demon,' Anya informed her. 'It was very impressive. She is a much more skillful fighter than you are.'  
  
'Anya,' Xander whispered, embarrassed. 'What did we talk about?'  
  
Buffy smiled. 'It's okay, Xander. Calandria deserves credit for what she did.' She studied the mysterious girl with new respect. She could get all threatened and petty, sure… but what was the point? There was just something about Calandria…. Buffy couldn't help liking her.  
  
'Welcome to Sunnydale,' Buffy said, struggling to her feet. 'I think you're going to fit in around here just fine.'  
  
  
  
'Damn integers… nothing but trouble to anyone…'  
  
Willow looked up from her notebook and glanced at the clock on her desk. It was almost midnight. She'd been cramming for finals for five hours straight. 'No wonder my brain's gone all fuzzy,' she murmured to herself. 'I think it's time for a chocolate break.'  
  
She stood up, stretching her legs, and grabbed a handful of change off her desk. The Mars bars in the vending machine down the hall were calling her name. 'Damn you, irresistible sirens!' she muttered merrily, stepping out the door.  
  
She was punching the buttons on the machine when she heard it—a scream of terror and pain, like the howls of the damned. She paused for a moment to ascertain which direction the cries were coming from, then set off after them. It only took her a moment to figure out which room the screamer was in. She wrenched the door open, and as she did so, the wretched shrieks died away, leaving only—  
  
'Another body,' Willow whispered, gazing horrorstruck into the room.  
  
Lying on the floor next to the desk chair was a young man, his frame twisted into an unnatural shape, as though he'd died convulsing. His computer was still on, bathing the otherwise dark room in pale light. His face, his Star Trek t-shirt, the carpet around him… all were covered in fresh, reeking vomit. And his face… oh, God, his face…. Willow couldn't believe such agony existed.  
  
Rage overpowering judgment, she stepped into the room. 'Who's there?' she shouted. 'What demon freak did this? Show yourself!'  
  
But nothing moved, nothing made a sound.  
  
Willow spun around in a slow circle, looking for any sign of the boy's attacker. There was none.  
  
The creature from the night before had struck again. And gotten away…  
  
Willow shuddered. 'Without a trace.'  
  
  
  
Giles jerked awake with a gasp. For a moment he didn't know why he was sleeping on his couch, and why he couldn't seem to rest… and then he remembered.  
  
He was on the couch because Calandria was in the bed. And he couldn't sleep…  
  
'Because Calandria is in the bed,' he sighed. How could he be expected to have a moment of peace when her presence filled him with electricity, made his heart race and his spirit sing? His skin felt as though it were on fire… just knowing she was near drove him mad with longing and adoration.  
  
'Bloody *hell*,' he mumbled, standing and making his way into the kitchen. Quietly, careful not to wake his guest, he located his scotch and took a long swig straight from the bottle. The liquor burned on the way down, but it was nothing to the burning he already felt, in his soul and in his—  
  
'You couldn't sleep either, huh?'  
  
Startled, Giles looked up to see Calandria standing in the doorway to the bedroom. He sighed. 'No.'  
  
She advanced into the kitchen, the button-down shirt she had borrowed to sleep in swishing enticingly around her perfect figure. She gestured towards the scotch. 'Can I have some of that?'  
  
Giles handed her the bottle. 'Do be careful, you might find it a bit strong—' His eyes widened as Calandria belted back a huge gulp with nary a shiver. 'Extraordinary,' he said with a little laugh.  
  
Calandria smiled. 'I have lots of hidden skills.'  
  
Giles felt a tingle go down his spine, and immediately felt guilty. *For God's sake, man!* he chided himself. *That's not what she meant!*  
  
He looked into her clear violet eyes. 'I don't doubt it. You are an unusually competent and special young woman. And your life is so unimaginably difficult, living with the burden on your shoulders… forced always to run from a creature of unknowable evil…'  
  
Calandria looked down. It was not until he saw the single, perfect tear dangling from her sooty eyelashes that Giles realized she was crying.  
  
'I wish the demon were the worst of it,' she said. 'I wish—'  
  
Giles had to fight with every fibre of his being not to take her in his arms. 'What do you wish?'  
  
She wiped her eyes with the back of one slender, lily-white hand. 'It's just… it wouldn't be so bad if I weren't so… alone.' A sob escaped her before she continued. 'If only I could find someone to love… someone who would love me…. If only…'  
  
'Yes?'  
  
She looked up at him, her eyes all the more vivid and startling for being full of tears. Giles' breath caught in his throat. 'I know you're not interested, I know you couldn't possibly see me that way, but… if only *you* could be that someone, Rupert.'  
  
Giles gasped. 'Oh, Calandria. Oh, Calandria, to be that someone… it's all I want in the world, all I've ever wanted.'  
  
She fell into his arms then, and he kissed her passionately. When she finally pulled away, he clutched her to his chest, and into her hair whispered fiercely, 'Calandria, my love… you'll never have to be alone again.'  
  
  
  
For the rest of the night, the whole apartment complex echoed with their cries of bliss: Calandria's delicate moans, and Giles' voice exclaiming, 'Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God, *yes*! Oh, Calandria, this is the best sex I've ever had! And I've had a LOT of sex!' 


End file.
